The Captain's Log
by I Caught Myself
Summary: TwoShot.1 What happens when an injection goes wrong and McCoy is suffering the side effects, allowing his crewmates to goad him into stealing The Captain's Log? Warning inside. 2 what happens when McCoy wants revenge?
1. Chapter 1

**My best friend helped me come up with this idea over MSN. We thought it would be funny, and hope you do too!**

**Warnings: just a teeny tiny bit of yaoi**

**Disclaimer:** **I do not own Star Trek**

**The Captain's Log**

"God damn it Chekov, will you just hold still?" McCoy snapped. He really hated people that refused to stay still while he gave them injections. "If I can just give you this injection you'll feel a lot better."

"I know Doctor but I don't like injections." Chekov explained. McCoy grabbed Chekov's wrist went to stab the needle into his other arm. Chekov moved his arm, and McCoy stabbed the needle straight into his own arm.

"Bugger." McCoy cursed, pulling the needle out of his arm.

"I'm sorry Doctor." Chekov said.

"I told you not to move!" McCoy snapped. He grabbed another injection and stabbed it into Chekov's arm.

"Are you okay Doctor McCoy?" Chekov asked.

"I hope so." McCoy replied. "This stuff has horrible side-effects on me."

"I'm sorry Doctor McCoy." Chekov said.

"Just get out." McCoy snapped.

"Yes Doctor, sorry Doctor." Chekov said and left the medical bay. McCoy began to tidy up the medical bay, grumbling to himself, when he felt the sharp pain in his head, and he dropped everything. McCoy sat down on the bed and drew the curtain around himself, burying his head in his hands and making a mental note to kill Chekov next time he saw him. So McCoy curled up on the bed and closed his eyes, hoping a short sleep would make him feel better.

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McCoy woke up and looked at the clock. He had been asleep for half an hour and the pain in his head had subsided to a dull ache and a numb feeling. McCoy sat up and then climbed off of the bed. He did this a bit too quickly and the room began to spin. McCoy gripped the edge of the bed for support, but was too late and fell to the floor. He felt light headed and happy... so very happy. So McCoy picked himself up off the floor, and decided to go and see where the rest of the crew of the _Enterprise_ was.

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The bar was almost empty, except for Scotty and Keenser. McCoy walked over to them, and threw himself onto the bar stool, and fell off it. Scotty and Keenser helped him stand up and sit on the bar stool.

"Dr McCoy, are you feelin' ok?" Scotty asked.

"I'm feeling great!" McCoy replied. "Bartender, get me a whiskey!"

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Scotty asked. "You sound like you've been on the Romulin Ale again."

"I can assure you I haven't been on the Romulin Ale. Well, not yet anyway." McCoy laughed loudly and downed the whiskey the bartender handed him. "Get me another." Scotty and Keenser looked at each other and shrugged. A drunk Doctor McCoy could be fun to deal with.

"This rounds on me, bartender." Scotty chuckled. Oh, the fun they could have.

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An hour later, McCoy was completely out of it and Scotty and Keenser were cooking up a plan.

"Y'know McCoy, you should go and do something daring." Scotty said, and Keenser nodded in agreement.

"Why?" McCoy asked.

"Because most of the crew think you're boring." Scotty replied. "Especially Spock."

"How can Spock judge me?" McCoy asked.

"Quite easily." Scotty replied. "He doesn't think you have the daredevil spirit. Perhaps you should prove yourself to him."

"How?" McCoy asked.

"Steal the Captain's Log, and see what dirty secrets Jim has in there." Scotty grinned.

"Steal the Captain's Log?" McCoy asked, puzzled.

"Steal the Captain's Log." Scotty said, and both he and Keenser nodded.

"Why?" McCoy asked.

"To prove that you aren't boring. Every single one of Jim's secrets is in there – if you steal the log, you'll know them all!" Scotty replied.

"Alright then." McCoy grinned. "I'll find out everything."

"Yes you will." Scotty said, and they clinked their whiskey tumblers together.

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McCoy went to the room where Jim was staying while they were on shore leave and staggered in. He started to look for the Captain's Log. He would show them that he wasn't boring. He found the Captain's Log in the draw of Jim's bedside table. McCoy sat down on the bed, and examined it. He couldn't work out how to operate the damned thing. McCoy scowled at the Captain's Log and tried to open it.

"God damn it, how do you work this thing?" McCoy asked himself aloud, and began to hit the Log on the bedside table. "Scotty'll know what to do!" McCoy announced. He grabbed the Log and left the room, heading back to the bar. On the way back, he met Uhura along a corridor.

"Doctor McCoy, why do you have the Captain's Log?" Uhura asked. McCoy looked at Uhura, at the Captain's Log, and back to her again.

"I'm proving that I'm not boring." McCoy replied, and ran past her.

"HEY! Are you feeling okay?" she called after him, but he just ignored her. McCoy flung the door to the bar open and walked over to Scotty and Keenser.

"Scotty... it won't open." McCoy said like a whiny child and shoved the Captain's Log towards Scotty.

"Well what do you expect me to do with it?" Scotty asked. "I'm not the Captain!"

"Then how am I meant to work it to find out Jim's secrets?!" McCoy asked.

"I don't know! Go and ask someone who was a Captain – go and ask Pike or Spock or someone." Scotty replied.

"No! I'm not gonna give in that easily!" McCoy snapped, and stormed out of the bar. Scotty turned to Keenser.

"Okay. This was fun when he was happy and everything – but now I think it's gone too far." Scotty said. Keenser nodded. So Scotty and Keenser left the bar, to go and find where McCoy was going.

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Jim walked into his room and flicked on the light. It was a mess – like someone had broken in looking for something. He walked out of the room, and found Spock walking along the corridor.

"Spock, someone's broken into my room." Jim said.

"Can you think of a logical explanation of why anyone would want to break into your room?" Spock asked.

"To steal something." Jim replied.

"Have you noted any of your possessions missing?" Spock asked.

"No. Not yet." Jim replied, and went back into the room, with Spock following. Jim rummaged through the mess. He stood up to face Spock.

"What is it?" Spock asked.

"The Captain's Log is missing." Jim replied. "Why would anyone steal my Log?"

"In case they wanted to find out what secrets you kept?" Spock asked, raising one eyebrow.

"But no-one can use it except me." Jim replied thoughtfully. "So what would anyone want with it?"

"There are no logical reasons why anyone would steal the Captain's Log if they cannot work it." Spock replied.

"Come on, we better go and look around." Jim said. "I want my Log back."

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McCoy had gone back to the medical bay and was sitting on one of the bed with several surgical tools scattered around him, trying to pry open the Captain's Log. Scotty and Keenser peered around the curtain. When they spotted McCoy they turned to each other.

"He looks content enough." Scotty said. "Besides, I don't want to be around when Jim discovers that the Log is missing." So Scotty and Keenser headed back to the bar, where they were dealt into a poker game. Anyway, McCoy was becoming more and more frustrated that the Log wouldn't open, and the pain in his head was beginning to return so he took some painkillers, not really noting how many he took. Soon enough, that happy light headed feeling returned, and he set to work on opening the Captain's Log again.

"Doctor McCoy?" someone called.

"Behind the curtain!" McCoy called back. Spock pulled the curtain away.

"Ah." Spock said, spotting the Captain's Log.

"PEEK-A-BOO!" McCoy shouted and started giggling when Spock pulled the curtain away.

"Doctor McCoy, it is illogical why you would have the Captain's Log in your possession." Spock stated. "It is also illogical why you are in this abnormal mood."

"What, not so boring now, am I?" McCoy spat.

"Doctor McCoy, I have no idea what you are talking about." Spock replied, confused.

"Oh really?" McCoy asked, standing up and striding towards Spock. "Scotty told me that you think I'm boring, that I don't have the daredevil spirit."

"Doctor McCoy, the logical explanation for that would be that Mr Scott is lying to set you up for some kind of practical joke." Spock replied. They heard footsteps from down the corridor, and soon enough Jim, Scotty and Uhura walked into the medical bay.

"See! I told you he had the Captain's Log!" Uhura said, pointing at McCoy.

"I'm sorry Jim, it wasn't meant to go this far – we were only meant to tease him a bit – and try and get him to loosen up." Scotty said.

"Don't worry Scotty." Jim said. "Bones?"

"What Jim?" McCoy asked.

"Give me the Captain's Log." Jim said softly.

"Fine." McCoy said, handing it to him. "It's damned hard to open."

"I know Bones. I know." Jim said, taking amusement in his best friend's current state. "So, who was it that said you're boring?"

"Spock." McCoy growled. He was still standing so that he was facing Spock, glaring at the Vulcan.

"Doctor McCoy, I can assure you that I – mmph!" Spock was cut off in his speech by McCoy's arms wrapping around his neck and the Doctor's warm lips pressing against his. Everyone else in the room was standing with their eyes wide open in shock. McCoy broke away from Spock and wiped off his mouth.

"Am I boring now?" McCoy asked.

"Doctor McCoy." Spock said, not betraying any emotions he might be feeling. "I can assure you that I have made no comments on how interesting you are."

"Wha...?" McCoy asked, now feeling very light headed.

"Doctor, it was illogical for you to make that public display because I have no idea..." Spock started to say.

"Are you Wild Tuxedo Man?" McCoy slurred, and then collapsed, being caught by Jim and Scotty as he fell backwards.

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McCoy woke up in the medical bay, a dull pain in his head. He sat up in the bed, and saw Jim sitting beside him, a contented smile on his face.

"Why am I in the bed, and you sitting beside me?" McCoy asked.

"You had a bad reaction to that shot you were meant to be giving Chekov. You then proceeded to get drunk, allowed yourself to be taunted by Scotty, stole the Captain's Log, tried to open the Captain's Log and THEN when we caught up with you to sort it all out you –" Jim couldn't finish his sentence because he was laughing to hard.

"Jim... stop laughing... I have a headache." McCoy groaned.

"Sorry, sorry." Jim said, regaining his composure.

"Now tell me what I did." McCoy ordered.

"Bones... it's gone down in the Captain's Log. I am never gonna let you forget it! I still can't believe...!"

"SHUT UP AND TELL ME!"

"Okay." Jim said. "YOU KISSED SPOCK! YOU KISSED THAT POINTY EARED BASTARD!" Jim pointed at McCoy and yelled, then cracked up laughing again.

"..." McCoy said nothing. His brain was just trying to process what Jim had just said. "If I were to blame anyone, this would be Chekov's fault, am I right?"

"Yeah." Jim said.

"Send him down here for some blood tests when I'm up and out of bed." McCoy grinned.

"Bones, that's called abusing your position." Jim said.

"Well, you do it all the damned time. It's my turn." McCoy insisted.

"Alright then. I'll do just that." Jim grinned. "Would you like me to send Spock down too?"

"JIM!"

**The End. Reviews are love.**


	2. Chapter 2

**You asked for a sequel... so here it is! You can thank kimmieh-chan for the idea – I just set it into motion!**

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Star Trek**

**McCoy's Revenge**

"Are we beaming down Captain?" Spock asked. Jim and Spock were staring out of the front viewport on the _Enterprise_ at the planet they had just arrived at. "The atmosphere is able to support our life-systems." Spock informed.

"Yes, and the distress call we picked up is coming from here." Jim replied. "I want a crew ready to beam down – me, you Mr Spock, McCoy, Chekov and Scotty."

"Are you sure that's wise Captain?" Spock asked. "I am sure that McCoy will be out for revenge on Mr Scott and Ensign Chekov for that small incident..."

"Exactly Spock." Jim grinned. "Besides, if I leave one of them here they're likely to plot against each other."

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They beamed down the planet with an awkward silence in their midst. Jim kept looking at McCoy and giving him stupid grins.

"God damn it Jim, what do you want?" McCoy asked with a scowl.

"It's just shocking to see all five of us in one place." Jim replied. "Do you and Spock wanna go over there and make out in the undergrowth?"

"Jim..." McCoy said warningly.

"What?" Jim asked.

"Say one more thing and I get you beamed back up for some medical reason." McCoy replied.

"BUT – I am the Captain, so I will just overrule your decision." Jim said.

"Actually Captain, Doctor McCoy could declare you mentally unstable and no-one would have to listen to you." Spock smirked.

"Hey! NO DECLARING ME INSANE." Jim snapped. "Now come on, we need to find where that distress call was coming from."

"Yes Captain!" Chekov said and scampered after Jim, scared of being left alone with McCoy.

"Hey Scotty, why don't you walk with us too?" Jim asked. "That way Bones and Spock can have some alone time."

"I am actually going to kill him." McCoy growled.

"Killing the Captain is illogical." Spock said.

"It may be illogical, but it would sure make me feel better." McCoy snapped and stormed after Jim, Scotty and Chekov. They headed towards the site of the distress call and eventually came to a small village which looked as if it had been abandoned.

"This is strange – there's no-one here that could've sent the distress signal." Jim said. They heard the bushes rustling behind them and all backed up until they formed a defensive circle.

"What do you think is in there?" Chekov muttered.

"Something really big – and vicious." McCoy said. "And it's going to eat you, Scotty and Jim."

"Notice he doesn't want it to eat Spock – his lover." Jim grinned.

"One day Jim, one day real soon you're gonna..." McCoy started to threaten. The bush rustled again and the circle became even smaller and Jim somehow ended up in the middle.

"Why are you in the middle?" Scotty asked.

"Because I'm the freakin' Captain." Jim replied. The bush rustled again and out of it came...

"A PENGUIN???" everyone exclaimed and broke the defensive circle. The penguin looked at them and tilted its head to one side.

"It's cute!" Chekov said and stepped towards it.

"DON'T GO NEAR IT!" McCoy ordered. "It might have rabies or something!"

"A penguin? Rabies?" Jim asked raising one eyebrow. "You're just scared that Spock will find the penguin cuter than you."

"I AM SO GONNA..." McCoy started to threaten.

"Don't bother Bones, unless you want to spend the rest of your life in the brig." Jim said. Chekov reached the penguin and extended a hand to it.

"See Doctor, no problem." Chekov said. "OWWWWWWWWWW!" Chekov howled. The penguin had bitten him and it wasn't letting go. McCoy found this amusing and grinned evilly, finally getting some minor revenge on Chekov.

"Bones, help the poor boy." Jim said.

"Do I have to?" McCoy asked.

"Yes." Jim scowled.

"Fine." McCoy said and approached the flailing Chekov. "Hold still Chekov."

"Why?" Chekov asked, standing as still as he could. McCoy rummaged in his Doctor's bag and pulled out an injector.

"Because I'm going to tranquilise the penguin." McCoy said. "And I _wouldn't_ want to stab you by accident."

"Captain, I am detecting sarcasm in Doctor McCoy's tone." Spock said.

"I know Spock." Jim said. McCoy set down his Doctor's bag and injected the penguin. He then snatched an injection out of the bag and stabbed it into Chekov.

"GOTCHA!" McCoy yelled in triumph. Chekov crumpled to the ground with the penguin. McCoy patted the penguin on the head. "Well done Albert."

"Albert?" Jim asked, looking at McCoy. "You planned this?"

"Well, I had help getting Albert and setting up the distress call." McCoy said and grinned at Spock.

"YOU WERE IN ON THIS?" Jim asked.

"Yes." Spock replied.

"But – oh hell I don't care anymore, as long as you guys are satisfied." Jim said.

"Not quite yet." McCoy said.

"Why not?" Jim asked. "You got Chekov – it was his fault!"

"And Scotty's – and you kept teasing me." McCoy said. "Kiss."

"WHAT?" Jim and Scotty both exclaimed.

"Kiss." McCoy repeated. "Or I'll set Albert on you."

"Damn it Bones, sometimes I hate you." Jim scowled.

"I know." McCoy said. Jim grabbed the front of Scotty's shirt and pressed his lips to his and then broke away.

"Are you happy NOW?" Jim asked.

"I guess so." McCoy said. "We have photographic evidence now."

"WHAT?" Jim asked and spotted Spock holding a camera.

"Hey fellas, I have a reputation!" Scotty said.

"AND SO DO I!" Jim screeched.

"Keenser everything down here is fine. Beam us up." Spock said into his comm and they were beamed back up to the _Enterprise._

"This doesn't stop here." Jim insisted.

"Oh no? Well Jim, this photo could always slip onto the ships computer system..." McCoy said.

"BLACKMAIL IS ILLEGAL." Jim stated.

"Then you better start buying the drinks." McCoy said patting Jim on the shoulder.

"You're an extortionist." Jim scowled.

"That I am." McCoy grinned.

"Hey Bones?" Jim asked. "What happened to Albert?"

"No idea."

**There we go! The sequel! It's probably not too good because I'm ill but I've done my best!**


End file.
